I surrender!!!

why is it so hard to trust Him? because i want tangible results... that appear immediately. how do i make that happen? i try to make things happen on my own. do they happen? of course not. well actually sometimes they do.. but they're not my doings.. yet i take credit for them. shame on me.

the lesson i think I'm being taught is to be more faithful and to be more patient.

i can't, though. I'm anxious... there are so many things i want.
i want: to have stability in my career choice... to eventually be done with school... i want to be with Him... i want to marry him.

it's all about what i want. when it should really be about what He wants..for me.

Why am I making this so difficult? i often believe that it's my nature to be difficult.. to make things difficult. to over analyze when i should just give it to Him. but i can't let go. i end up letting go when the burden's too heavy. and that's not a pretty sight. i can hardly breathe.. tears swelling my eyes.. snot dripping outta my nose. why do i wait until my limit to surrender? why do i push until my breaking point to receive the help He had been offering me since the very being? I'm stubborn. self reliant.

i already know what to do. but why don't i do it. I'm scared. duh.

pray for me. please.